Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Derek Jeter Derek Jeter Derek Jeter Derek Jeter Derek Jeter

FireJay is going to be a Jeter-only blog until further notice.  I've got all kinds of material backed up, from the guy who wants the HOF waiting period changed for him, to a guy who says he's not a HOFer at all (not enough batting titles--no I'm serious).  It's all Jeter, all the time for the next couple of weeks.  Since most of these don't require much of an in-depth post, I should be able to get through them pretty quickly.  For tonight's post, I'm just going to take some pot shots at his personality, because you know what?  Fuck Derek Jeter and fuck anyone who says he's a "classy guy" for no apparent reason.  Fuck 'em all.

You know what's a classy way to retire if you're a superstar?  You play out your last season, then when the season is over, you announce your retirement.  You know what else is an acceptable way to retire?  You announce near the end of your last season that you will retire when it's over, so your hometown fans have a chance to cheer extra loudly for you a few last times.  This is particularly acceptable if you've played your whole career with one team.

You know what's a really fucking obnoxious way to retire?  Announce before the season starts that it will be your last, turning said season into one long farewell tour so everyone can suck your dick for 162 games straight.  Examples: Chipper Jones, and you-know-who.  YEAH JEETS.  It becomes especially motherfucking obnoxious when the player who does this--and they always ostensibly do it in part so that "it doesn't become a distraction" during the season--then takes every single goddamn opportunity to turn the whole thing into as much of a distraction as possible.

A couple of quick caveats: First, Chipper was and is an asshole, but he obviously wasn't as horrible about this as Jeter is going to be, even though they both announced during spring training.  I really don't think Chipper gives a shit about attention, which is what separates him from Jeter.  Second, while I despised the Mariano Rivera 2013 Goodbye Tour that took over last season, I'll cut him a bit of a break given that he was coming back from that nasty knee injury he sustained in 2012.  It was a legitimate question whether he would pitch again--then he decided to, and also announced his retirement, since he was old as shit and somehow coming back from a torn ACL.  I can live with that.

Anyways, back to the most important person who has ever played baseball, or breathed air on this planet, Derek "My Playoff Triple Slash Is Virtually Identical To My Regular Season Triple Slash" Jeter, and the press conference he conducted earlier this week.  Good thing no one was distracted by it!  Now, I am not so much of a dipshit to think "distractions" like retirement announcements and whether a player is straight or gay have a significant effect on a team's performance.  I just hate disingenuous people, and if ever there was a disingenuous thing to do, it's be Derek Jeter, announce your retirement in February, then pretend to be surprised and/or nonplussed about how everyone wants to talk about it and shower you with gifts and questions and love.

And while most of the conversation was about his retirement, it wasn’t like most retirement announcements we normally see. Jeter had no prepared statement. He said he said everything in the Facebook message last week. The reason? He didn’t want to be a distraction and didn’t want his teammates to have to show up for a formal announcement ceremony. 


That's Jeter.  Always thinking of the team first.  Even when he was a below average defensive shortstop and his team traded for an elite defensive shortstop and then Jeter pouted, refused to move to third base, and forced the team to force new guy to move to third base, that was all about the team.  By which I mean Team Jeets.

He just asked for it to be a normal. ”I still have a season to play,” Jeter said.

How dare you forget, sportswriters?  How fucking damn dare you?  He's still got a season to spend missing every ground ball not hit directly at him, legging out a handful of infield singles while risking a humiliating career-ending hamstring explosion, and getting a fucking standing ovation everywhere he goes.  (Aren't you just so excited for his last game at Fenway, when TAWM BRADY NATION will applaud for him?  You don't suppose that'll be publicized and analyzed for weeks and weeks afterwards, do you?  Nahhh, I didn't think it would either.)

When pressed for reasons for his retirement he half-jokingly, but somewhat seriously, asked the reporters if they didn’t really read his Facebook announcement. 

Talking down to reporters who are just doing their job is the ultimate classy move.   

Because that was it. Everything he had to say about it was in there.

I'm disappointed in HardBallTalk's Craig Calcaterra for the non-editorial nature of this writeup.  He's a smart guy who usually injects a little snark into his posts when it's needed.  And boy was it needed here.  Instead, we're getting just the facts about Flip Play McGee

Still, the questions came. 

Those ignorant assholes!  They should have just asked him how his swing felt.  That's what their readers wanted to hear about.

And to some degree Jeter did open up. He said that a lot of his career had become a job in the past year. 

Most pathetic and trite athlete appeal for sympathy ever.  "It's not fun anymore."  Fuck yourself with a wrench.  

Not the playing — he said he still likes coming to the ballpark and playing — 

Whew!  I was worried!

but meeting with the media. 

DIE.  As much as I despise the sports media, you'd better believe that if it meant I could play professional sports for a living, I would be happy to deal with their shit for an hour or two a day during the season and zero hours a day during the offseason.

Answering the increasing questions about how long he can go on. 

He's 40.  He hasn't been healthy and effective in 16 months.  What kinds of questions does the guy expect?

He also referred to the rehab from injuries like he endured last year.

From 1996 through 2012, he averaged 151 GP per year.  Lucky bastard.  

A couple of reporters asked Jeter if he was emotional about it. He sparred with them — “what, are you trying to get me to cry?” he joked. And there were no tears. 

WHAT A HERO. CAPTAIN CLUTCH STRIKES AGAIN.

Jeter referenced the fact that he has always hidden his emotions to some extent, but yes, he has them. He’s not going to be emotional about it now, however, as he still has a season in front of him. 

What a successful attention-seeking strategy.  Tell everyone that your career is ending soon.  Then remind them at every possible turn that it is not ending yet.  If anyone forgets to ask you about your reasons for retiring, remind them again that you're retiring soon.

”It’s not the end yet,” Jeter said.

Christ.  Fucking kill me now.  Seven more months of this shit.  I'd rather go through the Brett Favre saga again than watch MLB Network or Baseball Tonight at any point between now and October.

PS-Remember that one time Jeter dove into the stands after he caught a foul ball?  Greatest moment in American history.

PPS-Fuck Derek Jeter.

17 comments:

Bill Brown said...

Looking forward to it. With the collective tongue bath the NY media gives him, this is going to be the longest and most droning retirement in world history.

Bill Brown said...

Btw - I'm the guy who wrote y'all a year or so back and you tore the old Simmons post about Rice and the HOF and the stupid levels to shame. Thanks a bunch for that, made my year.

Anonymous said...

Second, while I despised the Mariano Rivera 2013 Goodbye Tour that took over last season, I'll cut him a bit of a break given that he was coming back from that nasty knee injury he sustained in 2012. It was a legitimate question whether he would pitch again--then he decided to, and also announced his retirement, since he was old as shit and somehow coming back from a torn ACL. I can live with that.


But not willing to cut Jeets a break given that he's coming back from that nasty ankle injury he suffered in 2012. It was a legitimate question whether he would play again -- then he decided to, and also announced his retirement, since he was old as shit and somehow coming back from a broken ankle. you CANNOT live with that.

what's worse? the jeter hagiography, or commenting on same and making an ass of yourself in the process? eh, probably still the hagiography. carry on.

Larry B said...

Bill-You're welcome!

Anon-Other than the fact that Jeter already had a contract through 2014 while Rivera had no contract past 2012 when injured, and Jeter was 38 when injured while Rivera was 41, and Jeter played between sustaining his injury and announcing his retirement while Rivera did not, and Rivera's injury was more serious (go ahead, please link me to any articles you can find after Jeter's injury to the effect of "Is this the end?"), you've definitely got me painted into a corner! Good job! Go play in traffic, you unclever cunt!

Anonymous said...

What kind of asswipe would feel the need to defend poor, beshitted Derek Jeter on a free entertainment site?

Chris W said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Angelo said...

I understand the vitriol, but I don't think I can ever forgive you for saying "I'd rather go through the Brett Favre saga again"

Trawlfaz said...

I agree w/first anonymous. Your five or six fanboys notwithstanding you come off as mighty petty when writing about Jeter and childish in your response to the guy who dared to defend him.

Chris W said...

Oh good lord. Anonymous registered.

Rapalaz said...

Trawlfaz is right, you need to start cranking out puffery. We can't have snark here that's for jabronies. Renaming this place Swallow I'm a Yankee would be a good start.

Larry B said...

Has Trawlfaz ever been to this blog before? Ever? Holy shit.

Larry B said...

Rapalaz, excellent use of jabronies.

NOTLarryB said...

"I agree w/first anonymous. Your five or six fanboys notwithstanding you come off as mighty petty when writing about Jeter and childish in your response to the guy who dared to defend him."

Getting closer!

"What kind of asswipe would feel the need to defend poor, beshitted Derek Jeter on a free entertainment site?"

Almost there!

"Trawlfaz is right, you need to start cranking out puffery. We can't have snark here that's for jabronies. Renaming this place Swallow I'm a Yankee would be a good start."

YUP!11 These are my reader!

Zim said...

It seems that first anonymous, comment deleted, Trawlfaz and NOTLarryB are likely the same guy. Welcome bro.

CHart said...

The REAL LarryB has yet to defend the notion that he was "mighty petty" is his rebuttal. WHY DO YOU KEEP CHANGING THE SUBJECT, LAROLD? Always backing down from the real stories.

Chris W said...

comment deleted is me for accidentally typing larry b's full name. ANONYMITY MUST BE PROTECTED IF LARRY B HOPES TO ONE DAY STUDY LAW

Chris W said...

CHart: Would you ask Tom Petty that question?